


It Was Nice Knowing Us

by Artonymous



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Attempt at Satire, Death, Enemies to Friends, Gen, Humor, Judy is Dead, Mild Vulgarity, Nick is Dead too, They Ghosts Now, sarcastic narration, they're both dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-09-01 07:41:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8615470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Artonymous/pseuds/Artonymous
Summary: In a brief moment of… panic, the fox she was trapped in with stopped trying to pull open the cell door and instead propped himself up against a comically oversized toilet while he ranted about death.And then, an idea. Knowing full well that the fox was going to friggin’ hate it was irrelevant.“Can you swim?”, asked the rabbit.“What?! ‘Can I swim?’ Yes, I can swim!”, lied the fox, agitated by the seemingly meaningless question.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. Here goes nothing.
> 
> So, not only is this the first fan-fic I've ever written, but it's also the first... "anything" I've written in several years. The first two chapters are probably gonna be a bit... what's the word... not good, I suppose? A lot of exposition and crud. Probably not very well put together either, but eh. I've been sitting on this idea for months now and figured I'd get off it and let it breathe a little. The first two chapters are done with more coming on the way sometime later.
> 
> Hopefully, some of y'all will enjoy it.

Lockdown.

The alarm blared. The dark, unlit hall of containment cells was now lit up by a flashing red light, doors to said cells locked shut on their own. Of course, all of the cells were locked anyways, what with them currently housing savage predators (the last thing the mayor needed was for them to escape after going through all the trouble to gather them), or at least all but _one_ previously empty cell, which was now occupied by a female grey rabbit and a male red fox; both of whom trying desperately to pull the now locked door open after using the cell as a hiding spot. As the two noticed a pair of wolves that had made their way to the door they witnessed the mayor and what appeared to be a doctor scamper through moments ago, the rabbit couldn’t help but think: _Why?_

Why was mayor Lionheart holding all of the missing mammals? Why are all of them savages? And for the love of God, why did her parents have to choose _THAT_ moment of all times to call their daughter? Of course, it’s not like they’d know it wasn’t a good time. For all they knew, she was just a meter maid whose duty ended hours ago, and she _certainly_ wouldn’t be doing anything dangerous (i.e., being chased by a savage predator, or spying on the mayor of Zootopia in an abandoned hospital, or _palling around with a fox,_ all for the sake of proving she ~~could be~~ _is_ a “real cop”). Of course, she couldn’t blame them. She instead blamed her phone, for not being on silent. After all, it was _the phone_ that alerted the mayor and doctor to her presence. It was _the phone_ that could have recorded more of their conversation instead of scaring them away. It was _the phone_ that blew her and the fox’s cover, even though they themselves still weren’t caught directly afterward. _Stupid friggin’ phone._

Now wasn’t the time for her to be thinking about that, she assured herself, as she was reminded of the predicament at large. By the fox, no less. In a brief moment of… _panic,_ the fox she was trapped in with stopped trying to pull open the cell door and instead started raving about how dead he, she, and _everyone else_ was. _Perhaps ‘panic’ isn’t the right word_ , she mused, but she had never seen the fox express much of his unrest, let alone any other genuine emotion. By choice, _narcissistic-butthole_ was his default, and he’d be damned to let _anyone else_ see him emote _anything else_.

“ _Never let them see that they get to you.”_ His mantra. A mantra he’s only ever dropped twice. Once after running for his life from a savage jaguar, expressing his gratitude to the rabbit cop who had just saved his life. Once again soon after, while riding a sky tram with the rabbit cop. He had just effectively saved her job by telling off her chief. (repaying the debt of saving his life, perhaps?) He then let her in on a piece of his past – the junior ranger scouts, and the muzzle, and the reason as to why he became a con-artist, and the reason why he’d rather choose to ignore his childhood trauma instead of choosing to acknowledge and fight against it, and the - _hey is that traffic down there? Hot damn, look at all that traffic! Yessir, that is some fine-ass traffic if I’ve ever seen it!_ Evidently, he uses that mantra to mask _all_ of his emotions – not just the hurt ones caused by the prejudices of other mammals. He was a fox, which meant he was shifty, untrustworthy, unethical, dangerous, godless, and depending on who you asked, _just kind of a prick, really_. And really, when it all boils down to it, _who gives a damn about what a fox feels?_

The rabbit cop. That’s who. The rabbit cop who was still frantically pulling on the door until the fox helping her stopped and propped himself up against a comically oversized toilet while he ranted about death. Why there were even toilets this huge in the containment cells of an abandoned hospital was beyond her. A generous consideration, nonetheless. If they were in a better state of mind, the savage predators being held within would probably be thankful and use them for their intended purposes, as opposed to using them as another source of drinking water. The only other time she saw a toilet that large was at the police academy. It’s quite the remarkable view; the inside of a toilet. Not an ideal place for a misshapen bath, though. Especially when you’re easily a quarter of the size of the mammal it’s use was intended for. Or even a quarter of the size of said mammal’s… _excrement._

And then, an idea. Knowing full well that the fox was going to _friggin’ hate it_ was irrelevant.

“Can you swim?”, asked the rabbit.

“What?! ‘Can I swim?’ Yes, I can swim!”, lied the fox, agitated by the seemingly meaningless question. Never in his life did he feel the need to learn how to swim. It wasn’t like he was ever going to leave the city to live life as a pirate out in the seas, or some nonsense like that. “Why?!”

The rabbit pulled a plastic bag out of one of her pockets, dropped her phone into it, sealed it, and then grabbed the fox by his arm and jumped into the toilet, dragging him in as well. “I can’t reach the handle; you’re going to have to reach up and flush us.”

“Carrots, you have got to be kidding me!”

“Do you have a better idea? Or would you rather just wait here for your quote-unquote ‘death’?”

The fox’s eyes were already wide. Somehow after hearing that, they managed to get wider. _Yep - **now** he’s panicking._ Sighing loudly, the rabbit decided that maybe a joke would calm his nerves. Always worked when he did it for her (not that she’d ever admit it to him). “Come on, it’ll be like a waterslide.”

“ ** _Waterslide?!_** **What?!** Are you even listening to-”

The sound of a door slamming open preempted the fox from arguing further. Before any of the wolves barging in could get sight or scent of the oddball duo, the toilet had been flushed.

The plan was foolproof. They’d ride the current of the flushing toilet down into the sewers, find a ladder to climb up somewhere under Zootopia and report to the rabbit’s police chief ASAP. Not exactly good on paper, but in the mind of a newbie rabbit cop on the verge of closing a two-week old case that would prove her worth, it was _foolproof…_ at least, it would have been, if not for the sudden realization that they were now careening out of a pipe that led off a cliff. How could she have forgotten? The hospital they just escaped was several miles outside the metropolis’ limits! There is no way the sewers reached out to this old place! The plan was supposed to be **_foolproof!_**

Needless to say, the ride was nothing like a waterslide. Waterslides are fun. Waterslides are safe. The screams one would hear coming from a waterslide are ones of joy and excitement. And above all else, waterslides _do not throw their riders into a waterfall_. The toilet flush was not fun, nor was it safe. And the screams coming from its participants? _Blood-curdling terror_. Not that anyone would be able to hear them over the rushing sound of vertically falling water crashing into the lake directly below it, though.

But there was a sound that did manage to overtake the waterfall: the sound of two bodies getting dunked into the lake in unison.

Splash.

…

…

…

Silence.

…

…

…

And then… after a deep breath, a voice belonging to a fox wearing a gaudy green Hawaiian print shirt and a striped off-color tie.

“Carrots?”

…

No response.

“Hopps?!”

…

No response.

“ **JUDY?!** ”

…

A deep breath, followed by a voice belonging to the rabbit cop, _Judy_ , holding the plastic bag with her phone in it in her paw.

“We gotta’ tell Bogo!”


	2. Chapter 2

A quick swim found the rabbit cop back on dry land. For the fox, it wasn’t as much a swim as it was a flamboyant display of flailing limbs that somehow resulted in slow-paced forward momentum. _Drama queen,_ Judy thought, watching the fox struggle to the edge of the lake. “Want me to get you a tree branch, Nick? If you grab it, I bet I’m strong enough to pull you over.”

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, Fluff.”, the fox, _Nick,_ replied, as he finally found land.

“You told me you could swim.”

“And you believed me.”

Nick’s comment unexpectedly stung. Why wouldn’t Judy believe him? Especially after the way he opened up to her on the sky tram? The sting was short-lived, however, as Nick started chuckling. Judy glanced towards him and saw him shaking his head at the waterfall, a smirk across his face.

“You know, I heard a story once about a llama and his friend surviving a drop off a waterfall. They were tied to a log.” Judy tilted her head in confusion as Nick turned around, knelt down in front of her and continued. “Well,” he said, smirk now turned into a beaming smile, “we did just that!” Nick was now laughing. “…and without the fecking log, to boot!”

The stern and stubborn cop in her wanted to reprimand Nick about his colorful use of language, but Judy couldn’t help but smile and laugh along with him. The strain the missing mammal / savage mammal case was putting on them was at its worst right then and there. Relief that the case was ending filled Judy ten times over, not to mention the credibility as a cop she would finally have, hard-earned and deserved (even if it was supposed to be had from the very start).

And the cherry on top? Seeing Nick relieved as well. That Nick, a fox con-artist who once upon a time (three days ago) had scammed her into perpetuating his popsicle scheme, had reluctantly stuck with her to see the case through out of fear of potential blackmail-induced tax-evasion jail time, and through either fate or _dumb fecking luck,_ ended up becoming her only real friend since moving to Zootopia.

The same Nick who not even ten minutes ago looked like he was going to _explode._ In hindsight, the waterslide joke seemed _absolutely terrible._

“Hey, you alright Carrots? You’re drifting on me.”

“Hunh? Oh. Yeah, I’m fine. Just thinking about something.”

“Thinking about calling buffalo-butt? Might want to do it before good ol’ mayor Leo jets out.”

“Way ahead of you.” Judy had already opened the plastic bag and pulled out her phone. Just a quick speed-dial to the ZPD and a brief conversation with receptionist Clawhauser was all she needed to do to get this case all wrapped up. _To see the look on Bogo’s face…_

A grunt escaped Judy. “No reception. Great.”

“Well, let’s get moving then.”

The tandem walked away from the lake and started a trek back towards the hospital. Despite the impact falling a few dozen feet into a lake would normally do to a mammal, the two felt fine. As if nothing happened, even. No aches, no pain, no feeling as if their entire bodies, legs especially, had just been shot at by a tommy gun firing a never-ending stream of nickels and dimes, no desire to stay in the lake and keep swimming, _nothing._

The two walked for nearly twenty minutes before returning to the road that led them to the hospital. Aside from one, all of the wolves that guarded the entrance earlier were now roaming around inside of it, looking for the intruders. Afraid that the wolf might pick up their scent, Nick decided that a diversion was needed in order to distract him. Judy surprised and impressed him with the howl trick she pulled, but he was afraid it wasn’t going to work again. Instead, his brilliant mind decided to pick up a rock and throw it towards the hospital. The wolf was completely unfazed and continued his search of the exterior perimeter.

“Great plan, Slick.” The smarm and deadpanned sarcasm escaping Judy’s mouth was thick enough to pour over pancakes. To which Nick replied, “ _Whatever._ ”

The Wolf eventually left the front entrance side of the hospital and began making his way to the back. Nick and Judy took this as a cue to continue walking up the road heading back to Zootopia. Judy again took out her phone. Much to her disdain, “Still not getting any reception.”

“That’s strange.”

“Don’t you have a phone? Try yours.”

Nick sighed as he pulled out what he thought was his now completely inoperable phone, soak-destroyed by water, but much to his surprise, the backscreen lit up and he unlocked it without a hitch. Much to Judy’s surprise, he could get reception. Nick dialed in the number for the ZPD and… “Line’s busy.”

“What?”

“I said the line’s-” His retort was cut off by the sound of his phone ringtone. _Ugh, nice watch, run it. Paws in the air now, paws in the-_ Judy gave him an awkward gaze for his choice of ringtone as he clicked the accept button without checking the ID.

“Hello? Who is- what? Who the hell- No. No. Who are- seriously, this isn’t funny. Who the crap is- alright, you know what? I’ve had enough.” Nick hung up, annoyed by what just transpired. Judy’s awkward gaze never left him.

“Something going on?”, she asked. Nick shook his head and let out a breathy sigh.

“Just some joker, I guess. Don’t know how he got my number.” Judy had the suspicion that Nick wasn’t telling the full story. Which was fine. She didn’t need to know everything and it was clear to her Nick wasn’t too thrilled about explaining further. Yet… “Claimed he was my dad.”

“Not on good terms with him?”

“He’s dead.”

“What.”

“Yeah. Weird thing is, it sounded just like him, too.”

The silence that ensued was borderline palpable. Judy just stared at Nick with minor disbelief whilst Nick was looking down at his feet, pacing back and forth. He had noticed that at one point he stepped in bird… _excrement_ and proceeded to wipe it off his foot only to see there wasn’t anything on it. No smears, no dirt, it wasn’t wet… there wasn’t even his _scent_ of all things. The gears in his head began turning and a new morbid thought reared its ugly head.

“Hey, Carrots.”

“Yeah?”

“Did it hurt?”

“Did what hurt?”

“When you fell from-”

“Nicholas Wilde, are you _hitting on me?_ ”

“No. Shut up. Listen.” Nick was tense, and Judy didn’t like it. What got him so riled up this time? The case is as good as solved, and it’s not like him to let some stupid practical joke nag at him. Was she just bad at jokes? Are her joke’s so bad they offend him? The Waterslide one, okay yeah, that was crud, but that little _nothing_ of a tease? “Please. Answer me. When you fell and hit the lake, did you feel… _anything_? Do you feel any pain right now?”

“Well… now that you mention it…” A shock went through Judy’s brain as if she was just starting to get at what Nick could be implying. “…no. I… don’t feel any different than normal.”

“The wolf should have noticed us, Carrots. We should smell like dirty-ass lake water right now, shouldn’t we? But, I’m not wet. And I don’t smell. And… if I may?” Nick took a step towards Judy and took in a deep whiff. “And neither do you.”

Nick continued, “…and the nonsense with the phones. Yours isn’t getting any reception, and the only person I could come into contact with was someone claiming to be a dead relative.”

“Nick. Are you saying we’re…”

“Only one way to find out.”

Nick reached out and gave one of Judy’s ears a hard tug. The result was… not what he expected.

“Ow! Nick, what the crud?!” Judy, in turn, responded with a jab that Mike Byson would be envious of, right into Nick’s shoulder. The bunny may be small, but she had spunk. And a right fist like a _god-damned Falcon Punch._ Again, not what he expected. Nick gritted his teeth, let out a hiss of pain, and rubbed his shoulder until some semblance of “feeling” returned to it.

“This is weird.” Nick blurted. Another moment of silence passed before Nick started pacing again. Judy joined him this time; she was starting to get very nervous. She saw Nick’s hunch and wasn’t going to deny it, but she still needed something else. Confirmation.

“The lake. Nick, let’s go back.” Judy took off. Nick, not far behind.

What took them nearly twenty minutes took barely six this time around; both mammals practically sprinting towards the lake. They took a couple of deep breaths as they scanned the area, even though their bodies didn’t feel the need for them. Judy began looking around the bank they swam to when they first were here. Nick searched the bank on the opposite side, no longer giving a care in the world about his ability to swim. Between the both of them, they found zilch. It wasn’t until a little sparkle caught Nick’s eye that he noticed something odd. It was in the water right under the waterfall. Nick slowly propelled himself over towards it and ran his paws underwater trying to find it.

_Rock, rock, rock, foot, rock, ah-ha!_

He pulled it up out of the water. It was a gold colored badge. Kind of like the one ZPD officers wear when they’re on duty. Exactly like it, actually. Nick dared not read the name printed out on it. At least not out loud.

Judy knew he found something, though, she watched him flail his way towards something that grabbed his attention. “Mind if I take a look?”, she called. Nick turned his face towards her and said nothing. The grim expression on his face was all Judy needed to hear. She slowly made her way towards him, awestruck. She must have been only six or seven feet away when a new discovery made itself known. Judy shrieked.

  
In front of her, floating upwards towards the surface in face down positions were two _shockingly familiar_ bodies. _One belonging to a fox wearing a gaudy green Hawaiian print shirt and a striped off-color tie. The other belonging to the rabbit cop, Judy, holding the plastic bag with her phone in it in her paw._ Guess they changed their minds about staying to swim.

  
Loud sobs and gasps for air became the ambiance of the area. _Not that anyone would be able to hear them over the rushing sound of vertically falling water crashing into the lake directly below it, though._

_But there was a sound that did manage to overtake the waterfall: the sound of two sets of tears getting dunked into the lake in unison._

Confirmation.

Judy openly wept as she watched the two bodies slowly bob up and down while Nick stayed put and thought about the story he told Judy about the llama and his friend. And Irony, oh sweet, insufferable Irony. Irony, being the narcissistic, “too cool for school”, jerk that he was, made sure to let his presence be felt, as the waterfall brought the oddball pair a friend to help them grieve over… _themselves_. Falling right down in front of Nick with a large splash, was _a log._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dang guys, was honestly not expecting that kind of response from the first chapters. Thanks a bunch! 30 likes, and 500 hits in two days for my first fan-fic? Hot damn.
> 
> So yeah, here's chapter three. In which I ruin everything. Hope you guys don't mind the little bit of gratuitous head-cannon I placed in it.

Grief is a particularly fickle thing. Everyone experiences it differently. For some, the grieving process is excruciating; a seemingly never-ending cycle of depression, denial, anger, more depression, more anger, depression, depression, depression, depression, depression, depress- _oh God please make it stop._ Others are able to bounce back more easily, especially if the specific circumstance was an expected one. _C’est la vie,_ as they say. The one constant truth, however, is that regardless of how or why one grieves, in order for recovery to take place, the griever needs both peace and patience.

Unfortunately for Nicholas Wilde, he was denied both.

“Of fecking course!”, Nick yelled as the log sat idly by, ebbing to and fro. Nick would continue to berate the log as if it were an old-enough-to-know-better kit he caught scribbling on the walls of his kitchen with… _excrement,_ while in the meantime, Judy openly wept, eyes glued to her and Nick’s corpses. This wasn’t at all how she envisioned things happening. What was supposed to happen was like something out of a blockbuster movie; she would call the ZPD, have a conversation with Clawhauser who would, in turn, inform the chief - whose expression would look nothing other than completely flabbergasted. 

_And then he and a bunch of other officers would arrive, and she’d arrest Lionheart, and Nick would walk out with a cup of coffee and a pair of shades, and there would be two officers giving him a funny look because he was a fox, and he’d sarcastically pull on the junior detective sticker he had placed on his shirt pocket, and then there’d be a press conference that would go just dandily, and then she’d ask Nick to be her partner and give him an application to join the ZPD, and she’d give him the pen she used to blackmail him into helping her with the case, and he’d remember that she told him he’d be a good cop, and he’d silently say “yes” and fill it out, and then they’d both finally be respected, and like thirty or forty kits of various species would all run up to the two of them and they’d ask for their autographs, and they’d be heroes, and they’d be making the world a better place, and…_

_And…_

_…_

_**It was supposed to be foolproof!** _

But alas, Judy was quickly learning that real life was nothing like a movie, that regardless of what did or didn’t happen – she and Nick would still get a lot of flak for no reason other than their species, and that she had _no idea_ what the word “foolproof” _actually meant._ Not that it mattered anymore. Not in the grand scheme of things, anyway. To Judy, however, it mattered a lot. Judy cared. Judy cared _immensely._ So much so, that she didn’t even notice that several minutes ago, Nick had finished his obscenity-enriched tirade against the log (still not entirely satisfied with it, however) and plopped down beside her on the shore.

“Hey, Carrots. You’re kinda’ drif- uhh…”, Nick cleared his throat with a fake cough and thought of a better word to say. “… _spacing out_ on me again.”

“We were so close…”

“Hunh?”

“The case… we were going to…”

“Carrots.”

“…and we… we were going to save them… and…”

“Judy.”

“…and… huh?” Judy stopped her incoherent rambling when she’d just noticed what Nick said. He used the “J-word”. Nick never uses the “J-word”. Surely this was a sign from God, telling the rabbit _“No. Shut up. Listen.”_

“The case. Is that all you’re seriously worried about?” Nick’s voice was low, quiet. Fragile sounding. Almost as if he was… _hurt._

“What do you mean?”

Nick scoffed. _“What do I mean?”_ The sound of his voice was now less hurt and more slightly-peeved. Judy’s head, while still expressing melancholy on her face, was tilted to the side in confusion, prompting another scoff from the fox, this time while motioning his paws, pads facing upwards, towards the direction of their corpses, slowly drifting towards the end of the lake opposite the waterfall. Judy sighed. He was right, the case should be the last thing on her mind. It wasn’t entirely her fault they were in their current situation (how could she have known about the waterfall?), and she knew that. Didn’t stop her from blaming herself, anyways. She was about to say something in a similar vein until Nick spoke up before she could. “Look at them. Look at those dum-dums. Thought they could survive getting… flushed… down…” Nick stopped. A memory came to him.

_“I can’t reach the handle; you’re going to have to reach up and flush us.” “Carrots, you have got to be kidding me!” “Do you have a better idea? **Or would you rather just wait here for your quote-unquote ‘death’?”**_

No. _They_ didn’t think they could survive getting flushed down a toilet.

 _She_ did.

Nick remained silent for a moment whilst he pondered things over, while Judy looked at him, bewildered by his expression. He was tensing up. But then it clicked. And when it did, he started chuckling nervously. Before too long, the nervous chuckle manifested itself into full-blown maniacal laughter. Laughter that lasted well over a minute. When it was over, he caught his breath, wiped a few tears out of his eyes, and then fixed his sight on Judy. In a soft voice, he spoke.

“You killed me.”

“Nick I… wait. What?”

“You. Killed me.”

“Us.”

“ _Us?_ I beg your pardon?”

Judy was starting to get more than a little agitated. She’d had enough of dealing with those jerks Depression, Bargaining, and Denial. After all, those punks couldn’t hold a candle to that cute boy over at the end of the bar. What was his name again? _Anger?_ Simply dreamy. “I don’t know if you noticed or not…”, she said, making the same gesture Nick did, pointing at their corpses, still wistfully floating away, ignorant of the current conversation. “…but I’m kind of dead too.”

“Oh. Ohhhhh! My mistake! How silly of me not to notice.” Nick’s voice was drenched in sarcasm, his tone sounding awfully familiar to that of the one he used the first day he met Judy. Just after finishing the job of selling bootleg popsicles, Judy confronted him, angry about getting played for a fool earlier at the ice cream shop. To that anger, Nick responded with a sarcasm-soaked tangent about how she and her dreams of becoming an actual cop were, well… _stupid._

Judy noticed his tone, of course, and remembered the tangent quite well. Well, some of it. If she were to be completely honest, she stopped caring about what he had to say halfway through, and in her mind, could only ever recall him say something that sounded like _‘blah, blah, blah, sarcastic remark, something, something, living in a box under a bridge, my name is Nick and I’m a huge fecking jerk.’_ Naturally, this was also what she pictured him saying, as he went on with his current tangent.

“…so, with all of the details fully accounted for, please allow me to better… _articulate_ myself.”

Judy crossed her arms, grunted, and braced herself for what was coming, as Nick closed his eyes, cleared his throat, took a breath through his nose, exhaled with his mouth, solemnly nodded his head twice, and then opened his eyes.

**“YOU KILLED ME!”**

“Oh, like your life was worth living anyways!”

Nick was stunned. It turns out, Judy is really good at doing things he doesn’t expect. “Excuse me?!”

“Nick, you could’ve been so much more than you were! But you know why you’re not?” Judy’s angry, _angry_ eyes glared at Nick, while tears escaped their vicinity as if they were _running from Satan._ “Because you gave up! You gave up on yourself! You let _them_ dictate who you were going to be! They’re wrong, Nick! But you won’t listen!” Nick was dejected. She was getting through to him, seeing right through all of his crud. It almost looked like he was going to apologize. And he would have… if not for the interjection of Judy’s new BFF, Anger. “You know, I wasn’t kidding when I said you’d make a good cop, Nick! But _nooooooo!_ Everything has to be a joke to you, doesn’t it?!”

“Oh, a good cop, huh? You mean just like _you?_ ” Seems like Anger wanted to acquaint himself with Nick now, too. “Tell me, officer; do all of the other ‘good cops’ carry around that _pink crap_ with them, too?!”

 _Pink crap? What was he… oh. Oh no._ Judy had completely forgotten she even had it. Fox repellant. A parting gift from her less-than-thrilled, predator-fearing father. All because of the carrot day festival all those years ago, and the fox who bullied her, and the three scars he left on her face, _and the reason why she’d rather choose to ignore her childhood trauma instead of choosing to acknowledge and fight against it, and the_ – crud. The fact that it was even on her ghost only seemed to make matters worse.

“You know what, it’s fine. Really.” Nick calmed down when he noticed distinct regret wash over Judy. “See? Look.” Nick then proceeded to grab his corpse and drag it behind him. “It’s _working._ ”

“Nick wait. I-“

“No. I just… I need some alone time, alright?” Nick took his body out of the lake and dragged it into a small wooded area on the side opposite of the waterfall. As soon as he left Judy’s sight, he threw the badge he held onto towards the hospital side of the lake, and then propped his corpse up against a tree. He then sat beside it.

“So…” he began. Given the emotional state both of them were in, it appeared to Nick that talking to Judy wasn’t a viable option right now. He really didn’t want to continue arguing with her. Perhaps a conversation with his dead, lifeless body could be just the thing the doctor ordered. Of course, he could try calling that guy who called himself his dad… but that was a whole ‘nother can of worms he didn’t want to deal with. Judy wasn’t entirely wrong when she guessed that he and his dad weren’t on the best of terms with each other. That’s just going to have to be another conversation for another day, though. Today, at least, in this moment, it was about him.

The corpse pushed an interesting point to Nick, who then took on the defensive.

“Look I know it’s not her fault, okay? But that doesn’t change the fact that I… you… _we’d_ still be alive if it weren’t for her!”

The corpse’s rebuttal was masterfully crafted and rang like a church bell as it entered Nick’s ears.

“What do you mean ‘she’s right?’ Did you hear her? _I_ won’t listen? Listen to what? I have a very good reason why I chose my way! And what reason does she have for carrying that crap around, huh?! I bet she doesn’t even know it’s a scam!”

Funnily enough, all of the Fox-away brand merchandise, such as the repellant Judy carried, alarms, and even their tasers, were all harmless to foxes, and _every other species._ The reason? The company’s CEO was a fox, capitalizing on the fear and paranoia of all of the prejudiced animals that bought into the idea that foxes were hellspawn. Business was booming. It was a little-known secret; only the foxes knew. They should be insulted for one of their own further perpetuating their negative reputation, but _damn,_ what a con job. And if anything, the sight of said merchandise was a neon signpost signaling out someone to avoid. Not out of fear or danger, but out of denouncement and ignorance.

The corpse was unfazed, though, as he delivered a commentary so colorful, it could fill out an entire children’s color-by-number book in record time – with correct colors, staying in the lines, to boot.

“Look here, pal! I’m not going to let…”

 _Ugh, nice watch, run it. Paws in the air now, paws in the air, run it. Paws in the_ \- click. “Hey uh... Yeah. No, look, sorry but now just isn’t a very good time, okay? I’ll call you later, alright? Okay. Okay. Talk to you later.” Click.

“…as I was saying… I’m not going to let her guilt trip me over this. So what makes you so damn sure I’d let _you_ do it, too, hmm?”

…

…

…

Silence.

“Yeah. That’s what I thought.” Nick got up and started walking back towards the waterfall when he noticed a pair of gray ears trying their damnedest to stay hidden behind a large rock. Nick sighed. “How much of that did you hear?”

“The whole thing.”

“Of course, you did.”

“Nick, please.” Judy’s voice was calm, somber. “There’s something I need to show you.”

Nick shrugged and followed Judy back into the lake. Judy turned her corpse over to lay on its back and then stared at Nick before beginning to speak. She had acknowledged the beast. Now was the time to fight.

“You see when I was young, nine years old, to be exact…”

Nick’s arms were crossed against his chest, eyes screaming _just get to the point._

“There was this bully…” Judy’s attention was now turned to her corpse, playing around with the fur on her right cheek. She stopped when three scars became visible.

Nick raised one of his brows _okay, so…_

Judy cleared her throat and mentally prepared herself for what she was going to say next. _Knowing full well that the fox was going to friggin’ hate it was irrelevant._ “He was a fox.”

Nick’s eyes widened and his ears perked backward. The passive-aggressive neutral expression his mouth was shaped into slowly descended into a somber frown. “Carrots… I”

“No. You know what, I think you were right.” She had just opened up and confronted her trauma head on. She thought it would help, but now every piece of Judy’s mind was now screaming abort! Abort! Abort! “Maybe a little alone time will do us both some good.”

And with that, the rabbit cop left, proceeding back towards the hospital. Nick sat alone in the lake and thought.

_God, he was the luckiest mammal in the world. He had just walked into a grocery store just to pick up some roasted pheasant and a bag of ice when suddenly BANG! Streamers and confetti everywhere! A store clerk running up to him shouting in excitement! “Congratulations sir! You are our one millionth customer! To commemorate such a momentous occasion, we’re giving you this! An all-expenses paid trip to the wonderful land of Guilt! You’ll get to experience all kinds of wondrous thrills, such as **misery, melancholy,** and the grand satisfaction of knowing that you are, indeed, an **asshole!** Here’s your ticket! Better pack up and hurry, though! Your train leaves in three hours!” Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, choo-chooooooooooo!_

Nick shook his head and sighed. He’s been doing that a lot, recently. Instead of continuing to sulk in his bitterness, however, Nick decided to go back to his corpse. “I really fecking hate you.”, he said as he dragged the lifeless shell of himself over towards the one that belonged to Judy. He then took both bodies and brought them up out of the lake, and positioned them into a more comfortable, natural position.

Satisfied with his work, he turned around and proceeded back to the hospital, eager to walk down the road back into the city. He gave his work one last glance and grew a smile. Warm. Genuine. But he can’t stay. He couldn’t. He had a train to catch.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a delay between chapters, huh? Sorry 'bout that. Thanksgiving cam and went and I kinda' got wrapped up into a bit of post-holiday nonsense. Nothing bad, just exhausting.
> 
> Aside from that, I've had a few other projects going around in my mind, and they might've taken some of my time away from this one.
> 
> I'd hate to disappoint some of ya, but I know a few of you in the comments were hoping for this to fall into the WildeHopps at some point, but it ain't happening.  
> Not here anyways.  
> Not saying I won't ever write it. In fact, one of those previously mentioned projects may or may not be a ship-fic in which I may or may not do a terrible thing to our beloved duo... again. *hint, hint* So if you're interested, stay tuned for that ball of crazy. Once I get this fic rolling again, you can expect to see that one here sometime soon, too.
> 
> Man, I don't know why, but I really like giving these two hell...
> 
> Anyways, enough of my crap. Here's chapter four, in which Nick is depressed and junk.

The way back to downtown Zootopia was a long one, ten, maybe even fifteen miles at the very least. On foot, it’d be hell. Night bringing about its dark overcast skies and a cold, cutting breeze ripping through the air around the hospital would’ve made sure of it. Not to mention having to dodge however many drivers there might have been navigating the tunnel leading back to the Rainforest District – and the Rainforest District itself, too, with its naturally high humidity and the more-than-likely probability of it raining there, what with it being _a friggin’ rainforest._ Wouldn’t be such a problem for someone to drive through, but for Nick, that was out of the question. How bizarre it would be to see a three-wheeled clown car with a police light driving _itself_ down the street. Must be why Judy didn’t bother taking it herself.

The walk back, however, was calming, serene even. Nick was completely unfazed by what should have been a tiring long walk, the changing inclement weather, or the cars that would have run him over had he been solid and fragile. _If they could they probably would,_ he thought, _or at the very least, they’d stop to curse…_

The moody fox violently shook his head as if to rattle loose whatever pissy little bug took over his brain to make him think about that crud and throw it out of his head.

_Not that it matters now._

It wasn’t working.

_Not that it **ever** mattered._

Now that’s more like it.

It didn’t matter. It _never_ mattered. Nothing that would be said or done to him for being a fox, no matter how ignorant or harsh or whatever, _none of it_ ever mattered to him. He had his mantra, after all. _“Never let them see that they – no, no. You shut the hell up right now.”_ A fat lot of good it was doing him. It may as well have just been some crummy little joke he stole from a bumper sticker he saw at a gas station some odd time ago.

Before, he followed and respected the mantra enough to believe it to be word of God. Now he wanted to shove it in an overloaded trash bag and throw it in a dirty river. No one ever got to him before, at least he’d never show it to them if they did, but now that someone has, he wondered if the façade was even worth keeping. And of all the other creatures on Earth, it, of course, had to be _him._ How a mute body could speak such volumes and plaster him in shame the way that he did… _un-fecking-believable_. It just had to stand to reason that the first mammal to ever crack Nick Wilde’s ego and see through all the… _excrement_ would be _Nick Wilde._ Not that Judy Hopps was very far behind, in that regard.

As he continued to walk through the downtown streets, Nick wondered why he said anything about that _pink crap_ in the first place. From the look her face dulled into when he mentioned it, she probably forgot she even had it. _But still, why did she even have it at all? I bet if she knew it was bogus, she’d never have gotten it. Sure, there’s the whole bully thing when she was young, but that shouldn’t be an excuse to carry it now. Does she really think ~~that I’d~~ that we would threaten her? _ Nick had to reassure himself that this wasn’t entirely about him, but his species as a whole, and as he did, he started wondering why he blamed _everyone_ for what just a few stupid prey kids did all those years ago. It wasn’t _everyone’s_ fault he’d grow up to make a mess out of himself. Sure, there’d still be a lot of venom spat his way, but it’d be all the more reason to prove them wrong, making them _look_ stupid, instead of the current alternative of him _feeling_ stupid.

He felt _very stupid_.

Like a fox who just instinctively jumped headfirst into a road covered in snow just as a plow was ready to clean the street.

_She was right. Damn it, she was right._

For years, Nick had made his living using his street smarts and cunning to pry off of the ignorant and unsuspecting. They who wouldn’t question or care. _The easily manipulated_.  Whether it was something as harmless as selling bootleg popsicles to a bunch of hamsters and then redistributing the discarded sticks to a small rodent construction site, or as ridiculous as selling some generously donated skunk ass shavings repurposed into a fine piece of tapestry to _a friggin’ mob boss_ , most of his quote-unquote “ _victims_ ” walked out of the scam _satisfied_ with what they were given, as if Nick was providing them a service they couldn’t get elsewhere, and like clockwork, they were back for more of the same in the days that followed. _Most of them._

But for what? _Two hundred dollars a day?_ Exaggeration? Sure, but the money he did make was still nothing to sneeze at by any means, but it now felt to him as if it were unearned and shallow. In some ways, it was embarrassing. He wasn’t even spending it on anything extravagant. What kind of mammal makes ludicrous money like that and doesn’t want to show it off? His monthly rent would be paid off in less than a week, and the rest would sit in his fridge in the form of food or on his phone in the form of games and music. His partner at least bought himself a night life with his share. Nick didn’t need anything else. He sure didn’t need anyone else’s opinion about it, either. At least, not until someone pointed out just how pathetic it really was.

_Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. She was right. Damn it._

Nick was now wandering around hoping he would see or hear something that would take his mind off of everything that happened at the hospital. Anything would be ideal. Even a phone call from someone he really didn’t want to talk to. What would he even say to him? _“Sorry I’ve been such a fecking disappointment. I really suck, don’t I?”_ He sat down on a curb and pulled out his phone to consider the thought of pushing the redial button… _Nah. Not right now._

For the last several moments, the pissy little bug in his brain had been pushing all of the red buttons labeled “Self-Loathing.” He must’ve gotten bored though, because a bright yellow button labeled “STFU” was more tempting to push than it had ever been before. It almost did, but the thought of letting the fox think for himself crossed the bug’s mind, and with morbid curiosity, allowed Nick to do just that.

 _Okay. Positives. Think positives._ The bug was amused. It made popcorn as it assumed that whatever Nick’s brain started cooking was going to be prime-time entertainment. _Well, for starters, I never have to change my clothes._ Nick wore that shirt and tie every single day for the better half of a decade. Knowing that it still wasn’t going to change was strangely relieving.

_I don’t have to worry about food. Or using the bathroom. Or showering. Or sleeping! Heh, I bet my body’s getting enough sleep as it is right now._

The bug _cringed._ The air in Nick’s brain was starting to get stiff and suffocating. With a hard gulp and a gasp for air, the bug eyed the “STFU” button and extended a limb out to press it down. Nick would not grant it such elation.

_Rent? Psssh! Don’t need an apartment anymore! Cars? Who cares! I don’t get tired! I don’t even feel pain! I can walk anywhere, anytime. Or run!_

The bug started freaking out, as the density of the air in Nick’s brain started weighing down on it, feeling as if it were about to be crushed. In a desperate display, the bug began cocooning itself, hoping the shell would at least hinder the impending doom.

_No one can see me! No one can judge me! No one can insult me, or throw crud at me, or disdainfully acknowledge my existence, or anything!_

_I don’t have to look both ways before crossing the street! I don’t have to say excuse me if I bump into someone! I don’t have to use common courtesies to mammals who don’t deserve them! I can learn to swim if I wanted to! I don’t have to-_

Nick’s brain deflated and let out all of the air. His ears perked up as a sound coming from behind him caught his attention. He had just now noticed that he sat on the curb in front of an electronics shop. A bunch of television sets being advertised in the window had been playing some crummy cop drama re-run but took a break from it to shove some commercials into the faces of anyone passing by instead. One of which, drew the fox’s attention.

_“After the laptops are closed, and the refunds are paid, there’s still a billion unclaimed tax dollars. Get your billion back, Animalia!”_

A sigh escaped Nick, and whatever semblance of a smile he was forming on his muzzle was shifting downwards. _I don’t have to pay those taxes..._ The whole reason he was dragged into the case he ended up dying over evaporated in front of him. The case that the rabbit cop staked her entire career on. The case that ended up killing her, too. The case that, unless someone else at the ZPD would get a break in, would most likely not close for a long while. The case that…

…

…

…

_The case._

Just as the thought jumped into his mind, the bug broke free of its cocoon, refreshed, born anew, and unrecognizable as the bitterly miserable little thing it was previously. The bug flew out of Nick’s ear, showboating the lovely wings it grew while in stasis, and flittered down to Nick’s nose, giving it a sweet kiss before flying off, upward into the night sky.

“I know how to fix this…”, Nick murmured, as he stood up, the semblance of a smile returning, but now in full bloom.

Nick’s previous occupation was always set on a tight schedule. If the ends were met (and they always were) then there’d be no need to work overtime. Now was different. Now overtime was mandatory, and the pay wasn’t based on how many hours he put into his work, but the effort he put into it, instead. Judy said he’d make a good cop. Despite her being the only good cop he ever knew, it still felt like high praise. _Now_ it did, at least, and _now_ was as good a time as any to prove her right.

The train to Guilt stopped at the station, and Nick departed. He immediately scanned over the schedule lit up on a monitor and set another train in his sights. When the train he waited for arrived, he boarded it as soon as he could. _“Now boarding in terminal B-3, the 9:35 train to Redemption! All aboard!” Chugga-chugga, chugga-chugga, choo-chooooooooooo!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FEB 22 NOTE
> 
> Hey all, been a little while, huh? Really sorry about that, got caught up in a bit of real life nonsense that needed my immediate attention.
> 
> But now that it's been over and dealt with, I can finally return to writing this monstrosity. Fun!
> 
> To make up for the time spent between chapters, the next update this story gets is gonna be a big one - 3 chapters at the very least - and they should be up before too long, give or take sometime next week. Afterward, I'd like to have the story completely finished and uploaded around... let's say mid-April.
> 
> Anyways, this specific update was pretty minor - just brushing up on a few mistakes made and spacing things out just a little better to improve readability.
> 
> Thanks for being patient guys and gals, we'll be rolling again soon enough!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...and we're back!
> 
> Sorry for making you guys wait so long, life's been super hectic on my end; a vicious cycle of illness, college, and not having money. _C'est la vie._
> 
> So note to self, don't set deadlines you probably aren't going to be able to keep. Also, don't promise multiple chapters each time you update.
> 
> Turns out, getting back into writing this was a shitton more difficult than anticipated, this chapter being evident. This one was pretty painful to get through, mostly because rust, also because... well... you'll see. So yeah, only this chapter here instead of the three I promised back in March. Please forgive me for it, things have been bizarre and _I really suck._ Better to give you something than make you keep waiting for nothing, right?
> 
> Feeling really good about the next few chapters though! Hopefully, you'll get to see them ~~sometime next year~~ relatively soon. If you can, bear with me, folks! Things are going to get fun.

_I… I wish you could swim. Like the dolphins, like the dolphins can..._

Click.

_-thing ever went quite exactly as we planned, our ideas held no water but we used them like a dam. Ohhhhhh, and we carri-_

Click.

_…and it’s you I’ll come for. Who are you to tell me how to keep myself afloat? I treaded wa-_

Click.

_…a shadow in the shape of wonder, the waves of black. If she’s going under, I can hold my breath until the sky-_

Click.

_I’d be alright if I could just see you come up for air, come up for-_

Click.

_But whaaaat caaaan I dooooooo? The rivers o-ver-ru-uuuuuun. We’re swimming iiiiin a flooooooood, you knoooo-_

Click.

_…and at the bottom, you’ll find all my friends. They don’t swim ‘cause they’re all-_

**Click.**

_I’ll wait… Is this my life? Oh, ohhhhhhhhhh, ohhhhh, am I breeeaaathiiiing underwa-_

**CLICK.**

_Doooon’t gooooo chaaa-sing waterfalls, please stick to the-_

Click-click-click-click-click-click-click.

_Haaaaaave you heard the news that you’re deaaa-eaaa-eaaad? No one ever-_

Slam.

It seemed like such a good idea at the time; use music to wash away the stench of sadness – neighbors be damned if they try to say anything about it. Granted it didn’t work so well the first time she tried, after her disappointing first day of work. _But surely that was just a fluke. Surely, they’ll play better, happier songs today. Surely, one of these stations is contractually obligated to play at least two or three Gazelle songs every hour. Surely, they’ll play something that will make me not feel like such a…_

Surely, this was just another mistake Judy made today. And as her fist slammed into the button that would get her alarm clock radio to stop making fun of her, the rabbit couldn’t help but think: _Why?_

Why was every radio DJ in the city so content with involuntarily making her feel like crud? Why didn’t she just listen to the iPawd she brought with her from home, that had all of her favorite songs on it, anyway? _And for the love of God,_ why did she take the bottle of _pink crap_ with her that first day?

What was she thinking? She didn’t even think she needed it at first! No, it wasn’t like she expected to run into a fox! Especially not one that was mean, and _dumb, and unkempt, and would try to bully her into giving up her dreams by referring to a food chain that didn’t exist anymore, pinning her to the ground, snarling, and slashing at her face! No, no, no! He didn’t live here! It’s not like…_

_Oh… Oh, crud._

It had just dawned on her that her one and only negative experience with a fox before moving to Zootopia was spiteful enough to cloud her judgment of the species as a whole, and because of that, she made a horrible first impression to the one she met afterward. “ _A real articulate fella…” …what the hell._ She might as well have said “hey, you’re not as dumb as I thought you’d be!”, and then spat on his tie as they shook paws. And of course, he recognized that. Why else would he use that specific word during their argument in the lake?

Judy then began wondering how the scene could’ve played out differently. Maybe if the log that fell after them didn’t take its sweet time getting to them, they could’ve grabbed it and lived. Maybe if her phone didn’t go off and startle Lionheart into hiding, they wouldn’t even need to escape via toilet. Maybe if she kept her cool instead of erupting at him, Nick wouldn’t have mentioned the repellant she still had on her. Maybe if she didn’t even have it at all, Nick wouldn’t have been such an ass to her in the first place...

_Maybe I just need to stop thinking in ‘maybes’ and learn how to deal with the situation at paw._

With a heavy sigh, Judy took the Fox-Away spray out of its holster and eyed it carefully, mulling over as to whether or not it was the cause of all her problems and whether or not blaming it really even mattered at this point. Apparently, the stuff was jank anyways. Only one way to test that, though. With her eyes winced, Judy proceeded to spray the air in front of her.

As the mist began to dissipate, an unusual aroma hit her nose.

It smelt like lime juice.

She sprayed a second time, this time the target being the back of her other paw.

It kind of… _felt_ like lime juice.

Hesitantly, she then proceeded to lift her paw to her mouth and suck the spray out of it.

…

“Son of a bitch.”

Judy looked down at the pink bottle with hostile disdain as she could’ve sworn to have seen and heard the masked fox drawn on it laughing at her, and in a high-pitched, nasally, cartoonish voice reminiscent of Gilbert Goatfried and a… _excrement_ -eating grin plastered over its face, it called out _“it’s called a **hus** tle sweet **heart!** ”_

The bottled resumed its harassing laughter for a few moments more, even after being muffled by the crumpled papers and empty microwaveable dinner trays it now occupied space with inside the trash can next to Judy’s desk. Smartest thing she did in a while, so Judy thought with a depressed, half-hearted smirk.

 She has no idea how or why Depression managed to get back into her… _life? Afterlife? Purgatory?_ Back into her… _whatever this was,_ but didn’t really care to ponder it. She assumed it was just the need to talk to someone after ditching Anger. After he downed his eleventh shot of whiskey, Anger tried to get a little too touchy-feely too soon for the rabbit to handle and suffered a broken jaw as a result. She didn’t want to talk to Denial about it; he was never honest with her, and Bargaining just always seemed desperate for attention. She didn’t know why, but Depression seemed to make Judy feel _safe_ , albeit _bored, lukewarm, and tired._

Tired was what Judy was most of all. Tired _mentally_. Tired _emotionally_. Tired _spiritually,_ and _idealistically,_ and _figuratively_ , and _all sorts of other words that all end in -ly._

Just not _physically._ As she laid on her bed trying her hardest to fall asleep she wondered why that could be, (aside from the obvious reason that she deliberately neglected to think about, of course) but no reason she could come up with made any sense. Instead of mulling about it further, she began thinking up pleasant memories, hoping they’d lull her into snoozing.

Memories like the bonfires her siblings would make on summer nights.

_The laughter she’d hear would come from her much younger brothers after one of them made a crass joke about girls being gross instead of coming from the mammals that looked down on her dreams like they were punchlines to groaners. The sweat she’d feel would come as a result of the heat produced by the glowing orange fire sat in the center of a circle of rabbits instead of coming from the insane amounts of pressure she willingly applied to herself to prove her worth. The smoke she’d smell would come from a marshmallow that spent a little too much time near the fire instead of coming from all of her life’s work burning right under her nose. The…_

It wasn’t working.

Right now, Judy wanted nothing more than to fall asleep, if only for the chance to wake up later with the pleasant surprise of this whole experience being just a bad dream, but her stressed-out mind moving at two-and-a-half miles a minute would not grant her the satisfaction.

Neither would her phone. _The phone_ that would’ve closed the missing mammal case if only it hadn’t gone off inside the cell. _The phone_ that ultimately killed her and her only friend. _The phone_ that decided it only wanted to ring at very inapt times; just like right now. _Stupid friggin’ phone._

Judy was hesitant to answer. Not because she didn’t recognize the number calling her, _she didn’t_ , but because she had a pretty good guess as to who it could be without needing to. If Nick’s experience was anything to go by, the odds of her caller being a long-deceased relative she’d rather not talk to were incomprehensible; and not just because her family was huge. _Huge_ it indeed was. _Predator-fearing_ and _dismissive of her dreams_ it was, as well. On the other end of the line could be Pop-Pop; _(“I told you foxes were the devil! Why didn’t ya’ listen, Judy?”)_ or Aunt Caroline; _(“This wouldn’t’ve happened if only you’d’ve just stayed on the farm instead of bein’ some big city cop!”)_ or some ancient ancestor trying his hardest to understand how to use what was, to him, new and confusing technology, speaking his best _modern_ through the wrong end of the phone _(“PREDATOR BAD. PREDATOR HUNT. NO TRUST PREDATOR. JUDY SHOULD RUN. RUN JUDY.”)_ or even…

Judy would have figured that after forty seconds of not answering, the phone would have given up and gave her some silence. She had to admit, the phone’s insistence was admirable, however annoying it may have been. She couldn’t tell if it was out of desire to shut the phone up or curiosity to know just who was calling her, but eventually, she accepted the call.

“Hello?”

“Hi there! Is this miss Judy Hopps?” The voice was unfamiliar. Feminine, with a sickly-sweet southern drawl that put a subtle emphasis on the ending syllables of almost every word spoken.

“Uhh… yes…?”

“Oh my stars! Is it really you? It’s so nice to finally meet you! Wish it could’ve been under better circumstances, but what can you do?”

“Uh… That’s okay… Umm…. Who… who is this?”

 “Oh! A-ha-ha! Forgive me dearie, I seem to have misplaced my manners! Please, call me Lucille.”

“Okay, Lucille… Uh… Why are you…”

“Ha! Ain’t no beatin’ round the bush with you, is there?”

Judy winced and fought off a shudder. As hard as it would’ve been to have to listen to a member of her family’s past go on and on about how wrong she is, she couldn’t have imagined a conversation with a complete stranger to be any more difficult. What was it about this lady that made her nervous? She didn’t have an answer to that. Or to Lucille’s question, for that matter.

“You still there miss Judy? You’ve been quiet there for a while.”

“Hunh? Oh! Yeah. I’m still here… I just uhh…” Judy rubbed her temple with her free paw and sighed. “You just caught me at a bad time is all. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay! I understand why you’d be a little skittish. I prob’ly wasn’t who you were expectin’ to hear from, was I?” Judy blinked. What, was this lady psychic, or something? “Shoot, I remember the first time I got called after I… _ya’know…_ ” She paused and took a breath. “…anyway, it was my momma. She just went on and on and on _and on_ about this and that and then some.” She snorted, and then in a mocking tone spoke again. “ _Ya shouldn’t’ve gotten married to that fool. Ya should’ve ditched ‘em when ya had the chance. Now yer kit’s gonna grow up to be an id-jit like him. Blahbeddy, blahbeddy, blah!”_

Lucille’s tone and story managed to elicit a tiny giggle out of Judy, before sobriety overtook her again. “You had a kit?”

“Yeah, I did. My little boy.” Lucille said, her voice drifting into solemn brevity. “Sweetest little thing in the world, I tell you. Swore someday he’d find the cure to _‘mel-no-ma’_ and give it to me first.”

Judy cooed lightly. “That’s so sweet. I’m sorry to hear about that.”

“Oh, it’s okay, dear. Not much anyone could’ve done ‘bout it.” She trailed off for a moment and sighed. What she said next, though… “It’s just a real shame you prob’ly never got ta’ see that side of him.”

“Yeah, I… I-uh… wha…”

“Yeah, he was just eight when we all found out. Both he and his daddy took the news pretty rough. My husband took it out on himself and started drinkin’, and my boy took it out on all you other kits.” Judy sat dumbfounded as Lucille continued. “But, oh, Judy! You probably ain’t gonna believe me when I say this, but he had just the _cutest_ little crush on you growing up! Had a photo of you pinned on his corkboard in his room and everything!”

“Uhhhhhhhh…” Judy’s mind had stopped working.

“…then one day, he’s barely ten years old, comes into the house snifflin’ and stompin’ his feet and starin’ a hole into the floor. He comes up onto the sofa I’m lyin’ on and curls up at my feet, I ask him what’s wrong, and he starts bawlin’ his little eyes out! _‘I hurt her! I hurt her! She ain’t never gonna’ like me now!’_ I didn’t want to, but I had to scold him somethin’ fierce for putting his paws on a girl. Dummy never was good at talkin’ to the cuties, but I’m sure you knew that already!”

“Uhhhhhhhh…” Judy’s mind began flashing lights and beeping, _change oil, check engine, battery warning, low fuel, low wiper fluid..._

“Oh! I’m so sorry!” A sigh. “You’d think after livin’ my whole life surrounded by bunnies that I’d remember that your kind doesn’t like that word… But it’s true, miss Judy! ‘Specially with you!”

“Uhhhhhhhh…” Judy’s mind was awestruck, completely mesmerized by the flaming death metal train wreck it was watching, pawfuls of popcorn falling out of its agape mouth.

“…and he even…” Lucille stopped for a brief moment. Judy wondered if she’d finally noticed just how uncomfortable she was making her feel, but soon found out that was not the case. “Aw shoot. Well, Judy, as much as I’d love to keep chattin’ with you, I promised some of the other girls I’d play bingo with ‘em tonight. I’m afraid I’ve got to end it here, they’re all callin’ for me now.”

“…that’s okay…”

“Thanks, dearie, I’ll make it up to ya’! We could talk again anytime you want, just give me a ring, you should have my number now.”

“…sure…”

“Alrighty then, I s’pose I’ll talk to you later.”

“…uh-huh…”

“Okay dearie, but before I go, could I ask you for a little favor?”

“…yeah…”

“Now I hope you don’t mind I’ve been watching you a little bit, sorry, by the way, curiosity and all that, but I noticed you and that _friend_ of yours split ways…” The way Lucille said the word ‘friend’ made Judy shudder. Her tone husky and suggestive. “…but if you ever run into him again, you tell that _handsome boy_ he’s got a vixen waiting for him up above, _would you?”_

“…I’ll… I’ll keep it in mind…”

“Thank ya’ Judy! Bye-bye now!” And with that, she hung up.

Silence radiated the room as Judy, wide-eyed and completely dumbfounded by everything she’d been told, stared blankly at her phone. A muffled voice coming from her trash can broke her out of her stupor. “ _Well, **that** sure was **awkward!** ”_

Judy huffed and rolled her eyes. Her mind, before the conversation with Lucille, wanted to sprint a marathon, but now barely had enough energy to tie its shoes. Of all the things Lucille had said that would’ve, could’ve, and should’ve bothered her though, there was only one thing she’d said that looped in Judy’s mind.

_you tell that handsome boy he’s got a vixen waiting for him up above…_

_he’s got a vixen waiting for him up above…_

_waiting for him up above…_

_up above…_

_up…_

_above…_

A new thought weighed heavily in her brain.

“I’m dead…”, she thought out loud.

“…so why am I still _here?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points to anyone who can name all of the songs mentioned in the beginning of the chapter without looking the lyrics up.
> 
> **EDIT: 02 May 2018**
> 
> Woah... that is some dust...
> 
> Uh... hello there, whoever may be reading this. It's been a while. Don't really want to beat around the bush here, so I'll keep this somewhat short. I've been away for a good long while dealing with things both mental and physical, but things are looking much better now. Now that I am relatively healthy, at home, and have managed to wiggle my head out of my ass, I'm finally able to get back to writing this and my other ideas.
> 
> BUT. I really don't want to upload one chapter of this just to disappear again immediately after. Which is why I'm suspending any updates until I'm actually finished writing this piece of garbo. Once it is finished, a new chapter will be posted every few days or so. I am hopeful that this won't take too much longer, maybe a month or two--and if it does take any longer, feel free to throw every obscenity you know at my way (bonus points if they're in languages I can't read. [example: _all of them_ ]) This fic has been in limbo as much as the two dum-dums in it. What say I get to fixing that, _hmm?_
> 
> See ya' soon... _ish._


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